


Hinter Ihren Mauern

by ZhoraKys



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Homoeroticism, Levihan? In my Eruri?, M/M, Slow Burn, Sparring, Young Erwin Smith, Young Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), it's more likely than you think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:00:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26465305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZhoraKys/pseuds/ZhoraKys
Summary: Levi is a doomed, directionless street kid when he's picked up by a young, blue-eyed Scout captain and thrust into the life of a Survey Corps recruit. What starts out as begrudging acceptance of his fate quickly begins to feel like something else.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 20
Kudos: 114





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "Canon divergence" aka I got excited and wrote this before watching A Choice with No Regrets
> 
> ¯\\(◉‿◉)/¯

-835-

The black-haired boy’s shoes, worn down nearly through the soles, scuff uselessly on the dusty cobblestones as he rushes toward his enemy. 

The boy opposite him has his dukes up and his legs wide, but he still shudders bodily as the force of the weight hitting him reverberates through his ribs. The tackle sends him reeling; knocks the wind out of him. More blows rain down, relentless, until the boy moves his hands up to block and finds his wrists pinned together over his head, the black-haired boy pressing on his arms with all his strength.

"Rrgh! Get off me!"

A _snick_ cuts the air as the attacker frees one hand and uses it to draw a thin, vicious-looking switchblade.

"Give me back what you took."

"I didn't take anything!"

"Try saying that with your throat cut!"

The boy struggles, suddenly afraid, and his opponent laughs. "You couldn’t," says the boy with the knife. "Now give it back."

"Okay… okay just… let go of my hands, asshole."

The black haired boy releases the other’s wrists with a push, but otherwise doesn't shift his weight. He's aware of the commotion around them -- their battle has migrated from the narrow alley where it started out into the open street, and a crowd of people have gathered around them, distracted from their Sunday shopping.

The boy just about has his hand in his pocket when the two adversaries hear a voice behind them.

"Get up."

The black-haired boy pretends he doesn’t hear. Then he feels a hand at his collar, and his shirt being pulled roughly so it presses at his jugular. He coughs and gets to his feet, clawing at his neck, trying in vain to free himself. The switchblade clatters to the cobblestones. The other boy kicks himself backward and almost gets away, but runs straight into a tall guardsman, who catches him by the arm and turns him back toward the scene of the crime.

The black-haired boy, somewhat appeased that his opponent has been ensnared, looks up at his captor. 

The bright blue eyes looking back at him seem to bore into his very soul. He looks away.

"What's going on?"

A vendor pushes through the crowd. "He stole three gold pieces from my petty cash!" He points a thick finger at the black-haired boy.

The blue-eyed man, impossibly tall, blonde, and imposing, looks down at the boy. “Is this true?”

The black-haired boy twists in the man’s grip and points a finger at the other boy. “Sure. But then _he_ stole it from _me!_ ”

The other boy roars in frustration and kicks violently. The blue-eyed man nods and, one of the other guardsmen reaches gingerly into the boy’s breast pocket, producing three gold pieces. 

“I was only trying to buy something to eat,” says the boy. His manner has shifted quite suddenly -- he was a wild dog just a moment ago, but now he seems on the verge of tears.

“See?” Says the black-haired boy under his breath. He looks up into the piercing blue again. “Will you let me go, now?”

The blue-eyed man smiles, the first expression he’s shown. “Not a chance,” he says quietly. 

*****

In the dimness of the carriage, the man’s eyes shine like they’re somehow self-luminous. The black-haired boy keeps catching glances and then looking away when he realizes the man is still staring at him from across the banquette seat. 

“What were _you_ trying to buy, with that money?” He asks, suddenly. 

“What does it matter?”

“Intention matters a great deal,” says the blue-eyed man. 

The boy looks away. He doesn’t have a reason. He could have used the money for any number of things. Food, booze, sex. But mostly he stole the money because it was lying unattended, there for the taking. 

“Same as the other guy,” he says. “Trying to eat.”

The blue-eyed man appraises him, silently. The boy imagines that he’s seen right through the lie. He has the sudden sense that nothing gets past this man, absolutely nothing, and he feels his cheeks flush with embarrassment, so he looks away, fixing his gaze at a smudge of dirt on the little window. Beyond the window, there’s a landscape, but it’s unfamiliar and doesn’t offer him any indication of where they’re going. He doesn’t bother to ask. He doesn’t very much care. 

“My name is Erwin,” says the blue-eyed man after a while. 

The black-haired boy pretends, once more, not to hear him. 

“What’s yours?”

The black-haired boy looks up and lets himself succumb, just for a moment, to the full force of those blue eyes. Then he shifts his gaze, examines the rest of the face. It’s an honest face -- trustworthy to a fault. The boy thinks uncharitably that this man would have been eaten up by the streets long ago, if he’d had to live that way. Erwin’s tall, muscular stature and good posture tell of a pleasant upbringing, of food on the table, of warm clothes in winter. Though he obviously isn't much older than the boy, Erwin carries himself with a sort of easy self-assurance that speaks of wisdom beyond his years. A vague kind of resentment builds up in the boy’s chest, but it’s not personal. 

Unfortunately. 

It would be easier, the boy thinks, if he could just hate Erwin. But somehow he can’t find it in himself.

He lets out a breath. “Levi,” he says, low and quiet. 

“Levi,” repeats Erwin. “Nice to meet you.”

*****  
It’s an hour before the carriage stops. Erwin uses the time to extract as much information from Levi as he can. Levi’s been interrogated by police and guardsmen before, but Erwin has a way of asking questions that catches him just outside of his defenses. By the time they arrive, Erwin knows of his age (18), his family (dead), and his aspirations for the future (none to speak of). 

They emerge from the carriage into the shadow of a large, squat building with narrow slits for windows. Erwin leads him across a dry lawn to a smaller building, through a heavy wooden door, down a hallway and into an office of some sort. Erwin sits at the desk and gestures for Levi to do the same. 

"I have an offer to make you," he says without preamble. 

Levi frowns. He's interested, of course. He's got nothing to lose, nowhere to go. But he feels the need to feign disinterest anyway.

Erwin continues, not waiting for a response. "From what little I saw, I can tell you've got a fighting spirit. And a decent survival instinct. Your technique could use some work. But that's where I come in.

“Survey corps. As a captain, I can get you a spot as a new recruit."

Levi's taken aback. "Survey corps? You mean _suicide_ corps, don't you?"

Erwin looks at him, his expression inscrutable.

"We’re safe inside the walls, you know. I’m not one of those lunatics that dream of _going outside_ , of seeing the world. Why the hell would I go risk my life to play fetch with a bunch of titans?"

"Safe? Is that how you feel, inside the walls?” Erwin’s brow knits. “Where do you sleep at night, Levi?"

Levi thinks about where he woke up this morning, and realizes that he has no consistent answer to that question. 

"Look -- human idiots like that kid today, I can handle. But titans? What's the point?"

Erwin leans back in his chair. 

“To be frank, Levi, I’ve seen men twice your size get their asses handed to them by kids like that. You have potential that could be refined. Maybe to the point where you can ‘handle’ a titan.” His eyes glass over slightly, and he seems to focus on a point just to the left of Levi’s head. “Yes, you will be asked to put yourself in danger. But your talent could win you prestige. Respect. Plus, if you join the corps, you're entitled to room and board. Two hot meals a day. A place to sleep."

Levi allows himself another look into Erwin's eyes. They're painfully difficult to read -- they seem at once deeply sad and almost dumbly optimistic, honour-driven to the point of blindness. Levi wants to say he could predict Erwin's every move, but truth be told, he can't even figure out his motivation right now. 

"Why me?"

Erwin only smiles. "Think it over." He stands. "I'll let you stay in one of the cells in the basement tonight. But tomorrow morning I need an answer."

He stands at the door and Levi realizes he's waiting for him. 

*****

Levi quickly realizes that Erwin wasn’t joking when he said “cell”. There’s a bed, at least, but the iron bars dash any hope of it feeling homey.

"Not very private, is it?"

"On the contrary. You'll be quite alone."

"What, you won't have a guard posted?"

Erwin seems to hesitate, for just a moment, and Levi remembers that for all his bluster, he's only a captain -- he doesn't quite run the show here.

"No one knows you're here yet. If you manage to wriggle your way out, it'll be your problem, not mine."

"That's if I just _escape._ But what if I attack someone? Or hurt myself?"

Erwin eyes him, his face serious. "I don't see any benefit for you in either of those scenarios. Would you really cause harm for the sake of it?"

"Maybe," Levi says sullenly. "You act like you know me, but you don't. Not at all."

Erwin throws the cell door open and steps aside to let Levi in. Levi enters and sits on the bed because he doesn't know what else to do. It's only after the metal door is locked and Erwin is turning to go back up the stairs that he stops and says, "No. But you seem worth knowing."

*****

Levi's used to sleeping in uncomfortable quarters, but the cell is too much of a reminder of the fate that most likely awaits him in the city. He barely sleeps a wink, and instead spends the hours turning over Erwin's words in his head. _Worth knowing?_

Kenny's face swims in his vision. It's been four years since he saw the man, but Levi still feels as though he'll turn a street corner one day and be met with that familiar leer.

It's the only face he's ever really gotten to like.

When he’s not staring at an imagined version of Kenny, Erwin’s piercing stare infiltrates his mind. There's something just beyond the veil, some meaning that Levi can't see. He must pass out for a time because Erwin's voice wakes him with a start. 

"I see you're still here," the captain says without emotion. "Does this mean you've made up your mind?"

Levi rubs his eyes, his mind still warming up to a waking state, thoughts churning and catching like the pistons in an old, rusted engine. Erwin waits patiently but makes no motion to open the door. 

"I, uh…" Levi thinks it over -- in real, logical terms this time. If he stays, he's liable to get killed. If not by bigger, stronger recruits in training, then by a titan when he eventually makes it outside the walls. But if he goes back to the streets, he's just as likely to meet his end at the hands of any number of merchants acting in self-defense or startled bartenders who keep their rifles a little too close. Here, there's at least the promise of food and a roof, though at the expense of any freedom. But then, what has _freedom_ ever meant to Levi, aside from uncertainty and famine? 

He can always defect, go AWOL before he's ever sent out on a mission. It's not like his reputation can get any worse.

"Yes," he says quietly. "I think I'll stay."

Erwin takes a single, calculated step toward the door. "You sure?"

Levi looks Erwin in the eye. "Yes," he says, louder this time. 

Erwin unlocks the cell door.


	2. Chapter 2

-836-

A year passes. Levi had imagined, at first, that everyone else at the camp would be far ahead in their training; that they would already know what they were doing and would have no time for him. It had been a vague kind of wish. He’d figured if he could fade into the background, he could reap the benefits of the situation without getting too close to anybody. Unfortunately, the majority of the division and Erwin’s squadron are newbies, still reeling from the aftermath of joining the scouts to begin with. When Erwin presents his story about Levi being transferred in from another camp due to bureaucratic minutiae, they simply nod and move to make room for him at the table. 

Today, the summer heat is at its peak and the recruits, a little less green now, are practically steaming as they run through hand-to-hand combat positions in pairs. The instructor’s done his best to split them into pairs that are evenly matched by height and weight, a fact that Levi hadn't even considered in his tally of possible humiliations when he was weighing Erwin's offer. He is, of course, the smallest male recruit by a long shot, and so he's paired with a woman by the name of Petra. She's pretty, in her way -- two, maybe three inches taller than him, and unexpectedly solid. Levi can smell her sweat as she pins him to the ground. 

"You give up too easily," she says, almost laughing, as she pushes him further into a submission hold. 

Levi's shoulders are burning, his hair feels like a hot washcloth wrapped around his head, and he can scarcely breathe enough to wheeze out the “fuck you” that he offers in response. Petra eases up and he kicks at her, but she gets out of the way too quickly. He hops onto his heels and, gasping, lunges for her. She sidesteps with ease and sends him careening into the grass to skin the pads of his thumbs.

“Shit!”

"Petra!"

Levi recognizes Erwin's voice, and pushes himself back up, turning his face deliberately away from the captain.

"Sir!" Petra’s voice rings out.

"You're doing well. Go get some water."

Levi watches her feet as she hesitates momentarily, then walks toward the water pump beside the stables. 

"Levi." 

Levi turns to look at the captain. Erwin's offering him a hand, his face serious, only his eyes betraying any amusement. 

"I know. Don't tell me." Levi accepts the hand and stands with Erwin's help.

"You never did know how to pick on someone your own size."

"Oh, now you're going to rub it in, too?"

Levi and Erwin haven't grown much closer in the year Levi's been at the camp, but at least the captain has always seemed to see him as an equal, rank notwithstanding. 

"No…" Erwin says, smiling now. "All I'm saying is I don't think Petra’s the right match for you. I think you need a harder target."

Levi squints. Erwin's rolling up his shirt sleeves. 

"Wait. Wait, wait, wait. You want to spar with me?" He can see that they're attracting the attention of some of the other recruits, now.

"I think you can handle it." Erwin eyes him and moves into a fighting stance. "Prove me right."

Levi sucks in a breath of hot air. The captain looks serious. Deadly serious. He's nearly a foot taller than Levi, and probably twice his weight. Levi grinds his teeth. 

"Okay," he says. 

The instructor looks more amused than worried as he eyes their little patch of grass, glancing periodically at the other pairs scattered across the courtyard.

Erwin steps away from Levi, leaving about four feet of space between them, and bounces on his heels. Before Levi can ask what the winning conditions are, Erwin's got his arms around Levi's calves. Right before his knees hit the dirt, Levi kicks out one leg and succeeds in ramming his toes into Erwin's chest. The bigger man loosens his grip just a fraction, allowing Levi to scrabble free -- but he recovers before Levi can stand again, and throws himself forward. Pinned at the chest under Erwin's forearm, Levi gasps. Rage fills the space between his ribs, and he struggles against the weight above him, but it's no use. Engulfed in Erwin’s shadow, Levi is helpless.

It's a moment before the captain lets up. Levi can feel his breath, ghosting across his forehead. Erwin smells like linen and salt. He glances up at Erwin's face and wonders for a second how many people have seen the captain from this precise angle. Then the weight on his chest lifts and he scrambles to his feet before Erwin can offer a hand to help him. 

"Better. Work on it," says Erwin.

Levi opens his mouth to speak but then shuts it again. Anything he can think to say would be insubordination.

Off-balance, he looks at Erwin again, and the captain flashes him the briefest of smiles before walking away, stopping to say something to the instructor before he returns to the main barracks.

*****

Back in the dormitory, Levi sits cross-legged on his bunk, absorbed in thought. He's happy to have been given a top bunk -- less chance of awkward interaction with the other recruits. Of course, his lower bunkmate doesn't seem to understand this, and makes a point of loudly greeting him whenever they’re around. 

Like tonight.

"Levi!" Hange laughs. "What'd you do to get the captain to beat your ass today?"

Levi sighs and leans down so he can just see the top of their wild rat's nest of hair. "Just lucky, I guess."

"Ooh!" Hange mounts the first step of the ladder, leaning into the mattress to leer at their comrade. "Well, that's fair. Who _wouldn't_ want to get under that fine specimen?"

"Do you always talk about your superior officers like that?"

"No, of course not." Hange smiles. "Only the hot ones."

Levi rolls his eyes. 

"I hope he didn't actually hurt you."

"Just my pride," says Levi, more earnestly than he means to.

"Well," Hange says, climbing back down the ladder. "You've got more than enough of that."

Levi looks down. He hears a few dull, thudding pillow-fluffing sounds, then the rustle of the sheets being pulled back. He doesn't actually dislike Hange. They’re one of the few scout recruits that seem like they actually _want_ to be here, and though he doesn't quite understand it, he respects it. For all their quirks, Hange’s proven their skill quite decisively, in combat training and in the classroom. Levi isn't too proud to admit that he can learn from them. 

*****

The combat drills and ODM gear training grind on for hours, days, and weeks on end until the chill of encroaching autumn creeps into the air. One morning Levi wakes up to see crystals of frost in the corners of the narrow window between the bunks in the shared dormitory. Last winter, his first here, was mild -- the frost never turned to icicles, the way it had for some years when he was living in the city with Kenny. 

He sits up, still staring at the window, and realizes he hasn't thought about Kenny almost since he arrived here. The man's face no longer looms in his vision, but instead comes and goes like a delicate mist that lifts as soon as he wakes. He's the first one up, on this particular morning -- he can hear Hange snoring gently below him, and across the way he can see Mike's still form under the thin blankets. 

At breakfast that morning the recruits are unusually quiet. Levi almost asks why, but the answer presents itself soon enough, in mutters and whispers that shiver their way down the long table. The captain is leaving on an expedition this morning -- by this time will probably be over the wall on his horse. The more seasoned recruits, those who know how to use their ODM gear well enough, are going to be put to the test. 

Levi knows that the recruits' apprehension comes from that sudden dose of reality; in training, things feel removed; abstract. They all know that they'll someday have to go outside the walls, but each feels certain that _they'll_ be the one that gets lucky, the one that the titans leave alone, for whatever reason. They'll be the one with the stories to tell around the fire after the fact. Levi can understand that, though the wisdom of so many close calls with Kenny, on the streets, leaves him uncertain. His number might finally be up. 

More than the other recruits, though, Levi wonders about Erwin. He still doesn't know the captain very well, though he can still feel the weight of the man's body on his, sometimes as he's drifting off to sleep. But if there's one aspect that sticks out about Erwin, it's that he very much seems the protagonist of his own tale. Levi has a difficult time imagining Erwin dying in the senseless, sudden way that the scouts must -- the only type of death he can imagine for Erwin is a noble one, the kind that songs are written about, a death that seems to happen in slow motion, to give the dying some kind of agency, time for last words. 

He tries to imagine Erwin being snatched suddenly from his horse by a titan, but he can't see Erwin's face in the vision, can't affix it to the body. 

"Something wrong, Levi? You haven't touched your food."

He looks at Hange with a start. "No," he says. "Nothing."

He makes a go of eating the bread and potatoes set before him, but in the end Hange and Mike end up dividing most of his rations between them. 

*****

Levi barely eats for the rest of that day, and lies awake in his bunk until the black hours of early morning, staring at the ceiling.

The squad returns at daybreak, and Erwin rides in on his horse, looking grim but unscathed, the picture in Levi's memory. At least 20 percent of the squad is missing -- there are a few horses without riders, and most of the green cloaks are stained with patches of deep, drying maroon. 

The recruits stand at attention in the weak morning sun, and Erwin seems to make a point of looking at each of them. Levi stares expectantly until Erwin’s gaze finds him, and when it finally does he feels hopelessly small.


	3. Chapter 3

-837-

For new recruits, the first mission is something of a graduation ceremony -- in lieu of any actual fanfare, a final test. 

The expedition is announced a month in advance. This is no secret operation, nothing that requires particular haste. It's a simple recon mission -- leave the walls, do a lap within a 20 kilometre radius, observe the titans, and kill any interlopers, should it come to that. None of the recruits are stupid enough to believe it _will_ be as simple as it sounds, but there’s some comfort in at least knowing what to expect. 

It's two weeks before the operation, after breakfast, when Erwin pulls Levi into his office and shuts the door. 

"Captain?" Asks Levi. 

A part of him wonders if the jig is up; if Erwin's realized that he'll make a lousy soldier after all, and is kicking him back out onto the streets where he came from. Levi wonders what the prospects are, for a disgraced scout cadet. He can't recall ever hearing of a scout being discharged -- the regiment is probably so desperate for bodies that they can’t afford to discharge anyone. Perhaps he’ll be the first.

Erwin takes a seat at the desk, so Levi lets himself fall into the chair opposite. He leans back, trying to look relaxed.

"You had a birthday last week, didn't you?" Erwin asks without preamble.

"I… huh?"

"December 25th, is it?"

"Oh. ...yeah."

"So you're 20."

"Are you going somewhere with this, captain?"

Erwin smiles and looks down at his hands. "How are you feeling about the upcoming mission?"

Levi narrows his eyes. "Do you do this to all your squad members? Take them aside and give them a personalized pep talk?"

"I try," says Erwin. It's not the answer Levi is expecting, and it throws him off. Is he surprised he's not special? Had he been _hoping_ he was?

He sits up straighter in the chair and looks at Erwin levelly. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

"I want to know if you're certain."

"Certain about what?"

"About your position in the scouts. About being here, being a part of this squad. You've done well in training -- in fact, you've surpassed my expectations. But this mission… this is real. Understand? Do or die."

Levi stares at Erwin and for a moment he can see the green 25-year-old under the mask of authority. Erwin may be a competent leader, a formidable soldier, but he's ultimately just a young man, thrust into a position and a responsibility that should be held by someone far older and wiser. The annoyance that Levi was prepared to feel, at the insinuation that he'd somehow been disingenuous about staying here, melts away quite suddenly. He feels sympathy for Erwin. And more than that, he feels compelled to show this man that he's just as capable. 

"Erwin." At the sound of his name, Erwin's brow furrows slightly, but he doesn't chastise Levi. "I understand. Sir."

Erwin nods solemnly. "When we ride out, you have to be prepared to… you have to be prepared to die. I don't want you thinking of this as some kind of abstract spiritualism. There's a good chance that you won't survive this mission."

"I know, sir."

"When we encounter a titan, I need you to be thinking that it's your life, or the life of that titan. You can give no quarter. No sympathy, no hesitation."

"No, sir."

"So I'll ask you one more time, are you certain? Because if you're not, you can leave. I won't stop you."

Erwin looks at Levi, long and hard. Levi doesn't drop his gaze, tries his best not to blink. He feels as though he's sparring with Erwin again, though this time, at least, he has a chance of winning. 

Finally, he says, "I'm certain."

Erwin shifts in his chair. A shadow crosses over his face, then disappears. "Good. I believe that's all, cadet." He picks up a pen and begins to write something on a sheet of parchment.

Levi relaxes fractionally, but his gaze lingers on Erwin for another moment, tracing the captain's stately nose; his sharp jawline; his lips -- all pulled in a slight frown. 

"Do you have any questions?" Asks Erwin, not looking up.

Levi blinks. "No sir." He stands. "Thank you, sir."

"Thank you, Levi."

*****

-838-

"Hey! Hey Levi!" Hange runs to catch up with him as he's heading from the mess hall to the dormitory one frigid night. It’s Levi’s turn on mess rotation, and like any cleaning job, he’s been taking it very seriously.

"Hange."

"You're leaving awfully late. When Seth had mess rotation it only took him like an hour to clean."

"And I noticed spots on the dishes every morning at breakfast."

Hange laughs wildly. Levi can't help but smile at their mirth. They seem enviably unaffected by the squad’s looming demise.

"Hey, hey, quit walking so fast. I wanna ask you something."

Levi slows down and turns. They're alone in the courtyard -- the other cadets are preparing for lights out in the dorm.

"What?"

Hange's expression grows serious. "So, do you have like… a wife or something, back in the city?"

Levi's jaw drops. " _What?_ "

Hange smiles. “You a virgin, then?”

"What the fuck, Hange? Why the hell are you asking?"

"Duh, idiot. I'm propositioning you."

"You… what?" Levi shakes his head. "Look, Hange, I…"

"Aw, only got eyes for the captain, huh?"

Levi feels his face grow red. "Hange! No… fuck, I don't know where you're from but I actually grew up in civilization, among other people, and you can't just… _ask._ "

"Why not?"

"Well… it's weird," says Levi weakly. 

Hange shrugs. "Look. We're probably going to die in two weeks, so I figured now's a good time to have a little harmless fun. And I like you!" Levi must frown at that, because they screw up their face in imitation and say, "Not _romantically_ , relax. But I'm curious, and to be frank, I do not have time to sit around and wait for the action to come to me.”

Levi blinks at them. He has to admit, they have a point. Hange's fun, and nice to him, and they’re cute in their way. It wouldn't be a _loss_ , to be sure. 

“But… it’s lights out. Everyone in the dorm is going to wonder where the fuck we are.” _Or they’re going to know_. Levi’s not sure which is worse. 

“Relax, clean freak. You don’t think I thought this through? Mike’ll tell everybody I got conscripted to help you finish with mess, since you’re such a… well.”

“So _Mike_ would know?”

“Hey, look, you’re allowed to say no. But! Consider it, at least.”

Levi sighs through his teeth. He’d left his winter coat at the dorm, thinking it’d be a quick stroll between the mess hall and his bed, and now the cold is beginning to penetrate his thin uniform. 

He’s glad when Hange takes his hand in their gloved one and tugs gently. “The stables are a bit warm. Come on. It’ll be fun.”

Levi follows them, trying not to think of how this reminds him of something else, something that happened years ago, when he was sixteen and functionally homeless and had a met a pretty girl his age who’d offered him a warm place to stay the night, neglecting to tell him that that place was a brothel. 

“You’re not actually a virgin, right?” Hange asks once they’re inside the stable. 

"No," says Levi. He's not. But his experiences thus far have only ever been about fulfilling a need -- sometimes sexual, sometimes economic -- with the help of whoever happened to be willing and present. Though he supposes this is really no different. 

"Okay." Hange gives him a little shove and he lets himself topple into a mound of feed hay in the corner. 

He tries not to think about fleas, or mold.

Hange drops to their knees in front of him. It's too dark to really see anything, and anyway, it’s far too cold for either of them to be naked, so Levi shuts his eyes. He feels his trousers tugged open at the fly, and finds Hange's hair with his fingers a second before he feels the heat and wetness of their mouth enveloping his soft cock. 

_Oh…_

It's been at least two years since Levi’s known anything but his hand. He'd forgotten what a different sensation it could be. 

He feels himself grow hard, and Hange hums with delight around him. He refrains from moving his hips, instead shuts his eyes and tries to think of something to help get the ball rolling. Strange, then, that the first thing that comes to mind is Erwin's blue eyes. 

Hange pulls their mouth off of him with a slick _pop_ as Levi mulls this over, and the surprise of it makes him gasp. Their fingers are on his chest now, moving up and down, half exploratory and half affectionate. He makes a kind of sighing sound, and Hange says, "I want to ride you, okay?" 

"Um. Okay." 

There's some rustling and tugging as clothing and hay is further adjusted, and then Levi feels Hange’s weight on his hips, and they’re taking him, a centimetre at a time, and it's warmer than their mouth, and tighter, and deeper. Levi's fully hard now and grabbing Hange by their arms, flexing his hips slowly. He fights the urge to push himself even deeper.

He reaches forward, blindly, finding their sex with his thumb and pressing, rolling over the velvety wet flesh there until they respond with a strangled cry. 

"Ah! Levi!"

"You said you wanted to ride me, so _ride_!" Levi hisses, wanting any sort of friction now. 

Hange laughs, and rolls their hips forward, gripping his sides as they get into the rhythm of it. Levi grinds his teeth, focusing on keeping his thumb pressed against Hange. Their enjoyment is infectious, and he soon forgets the awkwardness of it and lets himself relax, as much as the cold and the dirt will allow.

And it's _good_. Really good. Maybe because it's been so long, but Levi’s quickly unravelling, already close to the edge, brought there by Hange's breathing, punctuated with laughs and sighs, and the heat of their body on his. 

Hange comes first, with a high-pitched cry that makes Levi reach up, too late, to clap his free hand over their mouth in embarrassment, but _god_ , it's also fucking _hot_ , and the pulsing pressure of their orgasm brings him nearly over the edge not long after. 

"Hange… ah, I'm gonna come, you gotta get off me, I'm gonna…"

They slide off of him and he turns over, giving his cock a couple tugs and then shuddering, spilling into the hay and onto the packed dirt. Laying there in the fetal position, he thinks of Erwin again, then drives the thought away, turning to look up at Hange.

"Oh," Hange giggles, "the horses are going to get a nasty surprise."

*****

The following morning, Erwin sits with the squad at their breakfast table. 

There's nine of them, including Erwin, and his presence at the morning meal seems to tighten everyone's posture. Levi's sitting amicably next to Hange, though he's trying not to look at them too much, and probably overcompensating. His gaze wanders over to Erwin, who's chosen a seat opposite him and two to the left.

The captain looks up from his meal and gives Levi a smile. 

"Sleep well, cadet?"

Levi’s face goes hot. He doesn't quite understand what he's feeling -- he just knows he doesn't want Erwin to find out about him and Hange. But he's always been a fine enough liar, so he can’t categorize the sudden attack of nerves.

"Um. Yeah, alright," he says, hyper-aware of the angle of his head perched atop his neck.

Erwin nods. "Good. How are the dorms holding up to the cold?" He asks this as a serious question, his brow knitting. 

"Fine. Sir."

"Mm. You have to let me know if they seem chilly. Between us, the government likes to cut corners on Scout funding, and while I appreciate the value of a little discomfort in training, I draw the line at anything that deprives the troops of sleep. We need you all in top mental condition."

"How kind of you." He intends for it to be snide, but it comes out earnest. Levi's not used to this sort of care for the well-being of others. It makes him antsy.

"Not kind. Just practical."

Levi looks at Erwin for a moment longer, letting his memories of the previous night mesh together with his picture of the captain. For the first time he has a word for the blue of Erwin's eyes. 

_Beautiful._


	4. Chapter 4

The morning of the mission is upon them before any of them can truly prepare. Levi notes Erwin’s presence in the stables as he gears up his horse, trying to think of anything except what he’s doing. The last two weeks have been dense with tactical drills and squad meetings, and Erwin’s become indistinguishable from a squad member, aside from sleeping in a different building. 

Whether out of mere proximity, or other factors that he doesn't care to examine, Levi’s been noticing small details about the captain, filing them away in his memory as if they'll be of some use later on. Among the things he’s categorized:

  * Erwin gets up _early_. He's awake before anyone else on the squad -- Levi knows because he'd previously thought that distinction belonged to him.
  * Erwin takes his tea black out of necessity at camp, but he prefers it with fresh milk. Levi learns this from a wistful conversation at the breakfast table one morning, instigated by Mike’s complaints about the tea supply.
  * When Erwin's putting on his ODM gear, the last thing he does is pull each of the blades partly out of their sockets before pushing them back in again, to make sure nothing catches. Levi wonders whether this habit was developed in direct response to some incident, but he doesn't have the courage to ask.



He's watching Erwin complete this little ritual as he mounts his own horse. He’s satisfied that his own ODM gear is up to the task. They're already outside the walls, but just -- the horses have been lifted over, but their location is in an unpopulated area so there are no titans lingering here. Yet. Erwin glances at Levi, sees him watching, but shows no hint of self-consciousness.

"Excited?" Asks Levi. He regrets it when he hears how strained and weak his own voice sounds. 

Erwin smiles, and pauses for a moment before saying, "No. You?"

"Not a bit," says Levi. 

"Better this way." Erwin hoists himself up onto his horse, and his face darkens. "Too riled up, you make mistakes."

"What emotion _should_ I be feeling?" Asks Levi, as Erwin guides his horse forward. 

Erwin thinks for a moment, then catches Levi's gaze with an intensity that knocks the wind out of Levi. "None," he says finally. "You need to be part of a machine, nothing more."

Levi stares after him for a moment more. Part of a machine is all he's ever really felt -- though admittedly, until this point he's felt mostly like a loose screw, caught up in some great mechanism, invisible gears grinding him steadily down to nothing, stripping him of his usefulness. Now, in the scouts, he doesn’t feel any more important, but at least he feels like a functional component. A tiny screw, still, but tightly fastened in its right place. 

Up ahead, he can see commander Shadis on his horse, appraising the ranks as they gather on the road. He looks grim as ever. He says something in a loud voice, but Levi can't hear him. He's looking at Hange, next to him, and at Erwin, up ahead. He's thinking about how solid they've felt, their weight against his body, and how paradoxically fragile they both are. Images of the both of them being torn to pieces before him crash against his resolve like the waves against an island fortress. He blinks back visions of hot blood spilling out onto the snow-covered plains. 

Hange smiles at him, and he does his best to constrict his face into some sort of answer. 

Then they're moving out and as they space out into formation he hears Hange yelling, "See you back at camp!"

And he can't think of anything to say in return. 

It's an hour of riding before they spot the first titan. Levi sees its shadow before anything else. Their squad is at the back of the formation, and the titan is running up on the right flank. Levi sees the shadow before he sees the signal flare. 

The sound of it is deafening -- the constant static of the horses kicking up snow fades into nothing against the booming explosion of the titan's every footfall. He looks up, shielding his eyes against the bright winter sun, into its face. It's all teeth and hair and torso -- an expanse of flesh, unbroken by bone or muscle, punctuated by misshapen, gangly limbs. It looks crazed; unhinged and blood-thirsty.

Hange's screaming something -- he can hear them but he can't make out the words. He turns his focus back to Erwin, who's riding ahead, watching intently for a signal from the right flank, or some indication that they're attacking with ODM gear. 

There's nothing, and then the titan strides forward again, and then there’s a horse, a riderless horse, flying through the air toward Levi. He swerves to avoid it, trying not to think too hard about the wet shattering sound it makes as it hits the ground. He spots the rider just as the cadet's form ceases to make sense. Red stains the sky and the snow up ahead. 

Erwin turns and yells, "It's coming up on our twelve! Evasive maneuvers!"

Levi pulls at the reins of his horse and banks hard right, doesn't notice that Hange's horse is spooked and not moving until his own is nearly colliding with theirs. At the touch, Hange's horse all but bolts, and Levi watches as if in slow motion as they pull desperately at the reins, trying to get the animal back under control. Even in the winter conditions sweat is beading on Levi's forehead. His laboured breath turns to steam, clouding his vision.

He doesn't see the shadow, this time, until it's too late. 

Hange's off somewhere to his left, finally evading, as the titan swipes toward him. It grabs his horse by the neck and he watches, wide-eyed, as his own death comes for him. 

He's two metres, now three metres, now four metres up in the air. 

He straightens his legs, toes pressing against the stirrups.

And he jumps.

The ODM gear is all but useless, from this height and at this angle. And what would be the point in dragging himself toward the titan's mouth, anyway? 

He hits the snowpack with a hard slap, feels his neck jolt, sharp pain running up his left leg, then blackness that lasts a second or two. He wishes it would last longer. Something warm drips onto him and he looks up to see his horse won't be carrying him home anytime soon. 

So he's on the icy ground, eyes closed in white hot pain, thinking _part of a machine, part of a machine_ , when Erwin rides past him and scoops him up, somehow, grabbing him by the collar and throwing him onto the back of his saddle. Levi yells in pain and hates himself for it. 

It's impossible to say where Shadis has gone; the rest of the division is scattered. Erwin roars, "Retreat!" And Levi can hear a few other horses following, but it doesn't seem like enough.

He shifts his weight, wincing, and Erwin says, "Hang on to me."

Levi wraps his arms around Erwin, clasping his hands at first to avoid touching the man too much, then later positioning them so they’re flat against Erwin’s abdomen. Levi’s leg is fire, molten lava, and a white bolt of lightning strikes somewhere behind his eyes with every movement the horse makes. He wants to pass out but his body won’t let him. 

He realizes, at length, that Erwin is saying something -- at first Levi thinks he’s talking to him but, listening and unable to respond, all he hears is the same refrain, like a chant, “Come on, come on, you’re okay, you’re alright, come on, almost there…”

He can’t speak but he mouths the captain’s name into his back, curls his fingers into the heat of Erwin’s stomach, grabbing handfuls of the heavy wool of Erwin’s winter riding cloak. He keeps his fingers twisted tight, partly out of pain and partly out of some other need to reassure the captain, until they’re close to the wall again. 

When they get back to the lifts Erwin makes to dismount and hesitates. Levi’s fingers are half-frozen into their curled position, and he’s holding Erwin hostage. He’s not conscious of it -- his body is nothing but pain, unthinking. Later, he’ll wonder if this is what the titans feel like. Unthinking, unfeeling, driven only by some great pain that won’t allow them to sleep. 

“Levi,” Erwin says, and his voice is gentle but lined with fear. “Levi?”

Levi opens his eyes with herculean effort, and looks at the captain, seeing only his wool-clad back. “Erwin,” he mouths, though he’s not certain if the sound actually makes it out of his throat. 

Erwin swallows, then puts his hands around Levi’s and slowly, gently pries them loose from his cloak. He dismounts, jostling Levi only slightly. The cadet doesn’t make a sound. He can’t feel any more pain than he’s already in. The captain reaches up and grabs Levi firmly around the waist, pulls him off the horse. The pain is unbearable and Levi can’t speak, but he’s in Erwin’s arms somewhere off the ground and finally, _finally_ , he loses consciousness. 

*****

When he comes to he’s in a narrow room and the light is orange, like the sun is either setting or rising. He can’t tell which, from the square of light hitting the ceiling. He swallows, notes his mouth tastes like dried blood, then tries out his voice, humming experimentally. The vibration of his throat alerts him to the fact that there’s something wrapped around his neck. He shifts, or starts to, then notices he’s not alone. 

“You’re awake.” 

Erwin stands up from his seat in the chair next to the bed. 

“Woah, woah, don’t try to move too much. You sprained your neck.”

“...oh.” Levi relaxes his posture again, and Erwin leans over him. His eyes look somehow even more blue, his jaw and nose and hair catching the orange light so they look like sculpted marble and pure gold. 

Levi wants to dissolve. 

“What else… happened?” His throat is parched and hoarse, and it hurts to talk. 

Erwin’s expression darkens. “You also broke your leg in three places. But you were lucky. We lost eight others, and there’s some worse injuries. We might lose more.”

Levi swallows again. “Our squad?”

Erwin’s face shifts, his expression difficult to read. “No,” he says. “Our squad all survived. Hange was very adamant that I let them know as soon as you were awake.” He walks away, and Levi wonders if he’s leaving.

But Erwin comes back a few seconds later with a cup of water, and hands it to Levi. “Drink slowly,” he says. 

Levi takes a tentative sip. It's like he's tasting clean water for the first time, and he has to struggle not to gulp down more than he can handle. He sighs and shuts his eyes contentedly and lets Erwin take the cup out of his hand. He wonders vaguely what kind of painkillers they've pumped him full of.

"Levi…" Erwin's voice is a low rumble in the quiet room. "I have to attend a meeting with the commander now, but… I'm glad you're okay."

Levi's eyes snap open and meet the captain's again. "Thank you. You saved my life."

Erwin smiles easily, and something deep inside of Levi feels like it breaks. "Hey,” the captain says, “congratulations. You’re a scout.”

Levi shuts his eyes again and listens for the click of the door as the captain leaves. 

***** 

"It's a shame, you know," says Hange, passing him his crutches. "I was so hyped up on adrenaline after the mission that I would've jumped your bones again. But now… well, the moment's passed."

"Ouch." Levi grabs the crutches, positioning them carefully in his armpits. 

"Oh, shush. We both know you don't have time for little old Hange anymore… onto bigger and better things!" They wink and look conspiratorially at Erwin, who's at the other end of the dining hall saying something to another cadet. 

"Oh my god, shut _up_. He's gonna hear you one of these days, you know."

"Probably for the best!" They widen their eyes mockingly. "Or would you prefer to pine hopelessly until a titan eats you and puts you out of your misery?"

Levi looks at Erwin, then looks away before the captain can turn and notice. He's been trying not to let on, but he knows Hange can tell he's been depressed. In the six weeks that have passed since their inaugural mission his neck has healed nicely, but his leg is still a long way from even usable and he's starting to feel like excess baggage. He isn't sure why Erwin's even kept him here -- he supposes that it's just because the scouts are short enough on people that they're willing to put up with some amount of dead weight, in the hopes that it'll be temporary. 

Hange, of course, thinks that his funk can be entirely explained by his apparent crush on Erwin. That, or they're trying really hard to make him focus on something other than his injuries. 

Either way, Levi doesn't have the heart to correct them. In a way, he even appreciates their efforts. But it doesn't change the fact that he's the only member of squad Erwin not pulling his weight. 

Two months after the mission, the snow is finally starting to melt, and Levi's leg is healed up enough that he's off the crutches and walking freely with the help of a medieval-looking hinged brace and an obvious limp. He's been working up the courage for weeks to walk up to Erwin's office and tell him what he needs to tell him, and today, under the sickly sun of winter's dying breath, he's here. 

"What?"

"I want to resig--"

"I know what you said." Erwin's face is inscrutable again, his eyes shadowed in the dim light of encroaching dusk. "Tell me why."

"Come on, Erwin. You can't tell me that I'm actually useful to you. Like this."

"That's _captain_ Erwin, to you," he says. "And no, I can't tell you that. You're not useful to me at all, like this."

"Then why the _fuck--_ "

"Because you've _been_ useful, and you'll _be_ useful when you've healed."

"But right now I'm a waste of space! You may as well send me back home for six months, it'd save you some money on food, at least."

"Send you back _home_? Remind me, where was that, again?"

Levi feels like he's been struck. He's seen Erwin frustrated, disappointed, and exhausted, but he doesn't think he's ever seen Erwin angry. Legitimately angry. And angry at _him_ to boot. Levi doesn't quite know why it stings so much, but it does.

"You're the one who brought me here," he hisses in response. " _Why_? Why me?"

Erwin stares at him for a moment longer, then stands and goes to the window. 

"I watched you, that day, for a while before that fight broke out. I noticed you running from that merchant's stall, and I didn't see you take anything, but I figured that was the reason. I would have let it go but there was just… something about you. Like I could see how much talent you had for that sort of thing, for stealth, and then for violence, and I could see _fire_ in you that I'd never seen in any of the other street kids and brawlers when I was in the city."

"You don't know any of those people." 

Levi, himself, doesn't exactly have fond memories of friendships made in the underground, but there were a few others that he had come to respect, at least from afar.

"No," says Erwin. "I'm not saying I was right, or that I actually knew what I was doing."

"So, what, you saw some magical spark in me and decided I had to join the corps?"

Erwin gives a little half sigh. "Truly? I don't know, Levi. I remember thinking it seemed like a waste for you to live out your life that way. I thought maybe… in the scouts… you could hone those skills, make something useful out of them…"

"I'm just your little pet project, huh? Your charity case?"

Erwin steps away from the window and faces Levi, standing before him. Erwin towers over him, but Levi's too full of anger to feel small. 

"No, Levi." He looks sad. "That wasn't my intention. But I suppose that's how it would look, to anyone outside."

"How does it look to _you_?"

It's a long time before Erwin speaks. It's awkward, standing facing him like this. Levi balls his fists and uncurls them, unconsciously. He wants to punch something, but it can’t be Erwin. 

"I saw an interesting person. Someone with talent, potential. And I couldn't resist the gamble."

"You're gambling with my fucking _life!_ " Levi roars.

"Now that's not fair. I gave you a choice. I gave you the option to leave."

Levi grinds his teeth. He's right, of course.

"But now? I don't have that option anymore?"

Erwin puts a hand on Levi's shoulder. It's an unexpectedly gentle touch, and Levi doesn't twist away like he normally would. "You... _always_ have that option, Levi. There's nothing I can do to stop you from stealing a horse and leaving camp, riding all the way back to the city. But I can't give you my blessing. I don't want you to leave."

Levi's voice comes out quiet and strained. "But why?"

"Because you're a good soldier, and you can become a great soldier. If you stay."

Levi has a profound sense that there's something else he's not saying. 

"Is that all I can be?" He asks, all the fight gone out of him. "A soldier?"

Erwin purses his lips, looks away, and says, "That's a question only you can answer, Levi."


	5. Chapter 5

It's the middle of spring, and Levi's leg has been free from the brace for a week. His body feels foreign; he’s still slow and weak, but he can't deny that his spirits have lifted now that he's able to walk without assistance. There's still an ache, deep in the bones, but he knows it will either go away with time or he'll get used to it, and in the end the difference doesn’t matter. 

The cadets, anxious for a new mission yet dreading the inevitable assignment, hit the books with renewed vigor, doing everything they can to keep in shape as the weather warms. Mike organizes a few impromptu sparring tournaments, and they get popular enough that they soon become a regular event. They're less formal than the earlier training sessions, yet somehow even more strenuous -- partly because they tend to take place after dark, an hour or two after everyone's eaten, and partly because a couple of the captains, Erwin included, have made a point of joining. 

Levi's been mostly sitting on the sidelines for these matches. His leg may be healed but he's lost a fair amount of muscle tone and he doesn't feel ready to compete with anyone just yet. Until now, he's been doing well enough with Hange running him through combat drills in their free time, behind the dormitory. 

But there's something in the air -- maybe the smell of flowers pushing up through the defrosting earth in the fields, maybe the shimmer of the grass gathering dew as twilight draws itself ever more languidly across the sky -- that fills him with a steadily burning desire for something more than that.

Erwin's here, tonight. Levi's staring at him from across the little pitch they have set up. Mike's taking on a waifish young man by the name of Danny, and the air is tense with contention over who'll win. 

The fight is catching Levi's attention intermittently -- or rather, Hange's enthusiasm, next to him, is extremely difficult to ignore. He turns to them briefly to listen to their assessment of the competitors’ relative advantages, and when he turns back he can’t find Erwin. He scans the crowd.

A moment later he realizes that the captain is standing next to him. Hange, on his opposite side, hasn't noticed yet. 

Erwin speaks first. "So Levi," he says conversationally. "Who are you betting on?"

Levi thinks about it. "Mike," he says. "Danny has agility, sure. But I've seen Mike fight. He's got the size advantage, and he has endurance. He doesn't quit until it's _over_. And he decides when that is."

"Mm." Erwin's smiling, and Levi's insides are roiling. 

"Would you agree, captain?"

Erwin nods slowly. "I would. But I would be careful not to discount Danny on the basis of size."

"No?"

"I know at least one cadet who plays small stature to an extreme advantage."

Levi looks up at Erwin. The captain doesn't meet his gaze, but he's smiling in a way that seems meant for Levi alone. 

"Uh...sir?"

"I want to spar with you again," says Erwin, still not looking at Levi. 

"You… but, I'm not ready yet. My leg…"

"What about it, cadet?"

"It's still… it's still weak."

Now Erwin looks down at Levi. "It'll stay weak until you stop thinking that," he says. 

Levi looks back at the fight. Mike already has Danny pinned, but examining their positions, Levi can see at least two potential moves by which Danny could reverse the situation. But the skinnier man only thrashes uselessly under Mike, and the cadet they've appointed referee counts down from five and calls the match. 

Levi looks back up at Erwin. 

"Okay."

*****

"We've got a late entry to the tournament!" yells the referee to the crowd of scouts. The ref is grinning like she can't believe what she's about to witness. Half the crowd, from what Levi can see, is wearing the same expression. 

Erwin's standing four feet away from him, across the little patch of dirt, just like he was on that summer day two years ago. Levi thinks he might even be wearing that same white linen shirt, sleeves rolled up to the elbows. As the referee counts down, he locks eyes with his opponent, and Erwin smiles at him. 

Levi almost curses for the way the smile pushes him off balance. He feels momentarily lightheaded, but manages to steady himself enough that when the ref signals the start of the match he’s able to dodge when Erwin runs at him. 

"You're not getting me like that again," he hisses, and Erwin laughs as he steps deftly around Levi, circling him. Levi can't keep up -- Erwin’s stride is too long. He spins disjointedly until he feels Erwin's arms lock around his waist. 

"Fuck!"

Levi jumps, as much as he can in Erwin's grip, and rams his heels into the captain's shins. Erwin stumbles and Levi takes the opportunity to pull himself partly free, but Erwin's kneeling now, and has gravity on his side. He presses himself against Levi, his chin jutting into the space between Levi's shoulder blades. Levi can feel the man's breath, hot on his back, and he fights not to lose focus. 

_One sudden movement…_

He counts down from three in his head, then drives his elbows into the meat of Erwin's forearms. The captain yells in pain and releases his grip. Levi spins under him, aiming to get onto his back so he can jump into a standing position and kick Erwin in the chest at the same time, but he only gets halfway through the movement before Erwin pins him again, on his back, this time gripping his biceps and pressing them into the dirt. Levi struggles and feels the weight of Erwin's legs pinning his bottom half.

He looks up, into Erwin's face. It's shadowed blue, in the twilight, though Levi can still make out the slight flush, the bead of sweat rolling down one temple. Erwin's hair is out of place -- a rare sight -- and his eyes are wild, his pupils blown wide, each ringed with a corona of blue fire. Levi draws a heavy, ragged breath, taking in the scent and the heat of the man above him. Distantly, he's aware of the crowd shouting and clapping and stomping. How many seconds have passed? How much longer can he stay here? Erwin still smells of linen and salt but this time there's an animal musk, a sweat smell, heavy and masculine, solid like the earth beneath them. 

"Are you giving up?" Asks Erwin. His voice is a low, humming rumble, quiet so only Levi can hear. He breathes, his nostrils flaring, taking in Levi's scent. "Are you finished?" 

"Not nearly," huffs Levi.

A sudden movement, that's all he needs. Erwin's disarmed, whether by Levi's strength or by whatever emotion it is that hangs in the narrow space between them. Erwin's face is close enough that Levi could kiss him. He wonders how the captain would react. He wonders how the crowd would react. But Erwin's also close enough that even with his biceps pinned, Levi can strike. He clasps his fists together and hinges his forearms, driving his knuckles into Erwin's solar plexus. The captain gasps and falls, rolling onto the ground next to Levi, coughing. 

The ref counts down as Levi stands. The five count passes, and pandemonium breaks loose. 

Levi doesn't notice any of it -- he's watching Erwin. The captain has rolled onto his back, one hand pressed to the site of the impact, but he's laughing. Levi kneels and offers him a hand. 

"I'm… sorry," he says darkly.

Erwin opens his eyes and looks at Levi incredulously. "Levi…" He starts laughing again, and Levi feels the crowd surge around him, Hange and Mike grabbing him by the shoulders, pulling him away, the noise deafening. Someone else helps Erwin to his feet and the captain puts out a hand to shake Levi's.

"Excellent form, cadet," says Erwin. 

*****

Levi's exhausted, but sleep won't come. He keeps running the match over and over in his head, though he barely remembers any of the actual moves. As far as combat training goes, it’s a complete bust. He doubts he'll be able to replicate any of it. More than that, he feels as if he's finally seen underneath Erwin's mask. He feels like he’s uncovered a secret, but one that Erwin, frustratingly, was never keeping from him in the first place. He wants… well, he _wants_ , quite simply. The memory of Erwin's weight on him is fresh, and the blanket covering him now is too light; inconsequential. He can still feel the warmth of the captain's thighs around his hips. 

He turns over, feeling himself grow hard against the mattress, under the rough fabric of his underclothes. He grits his teeth, shuts his eyes, imagines that the hand wandering down his stomach, past his navel, is Erwin's. 

He thinks of the heat of Erwin's body as he grips himself, tugging slowly, gently, imagining the sensation reciprocated in the captain, rolling his hips along Levi's crotch, smiling with those wide blue eyes. 

As he strokes himself the images in his head take on a more distinctly lewd flavour. Levi's hips flex in turn and he rolls over, hand still around his cock, pressing himself into the mattress and lifting his ass up and imagining Erwin spreading him, filling him. Erwin's breath on his back, the captain's low voice, grunting and moaning with the effort of the fight… would he make the same sounds, deep inside Levi, taking him, _possessing_ him, with that same easy self-assurance?

Levi's breathing is quick, and shallow, and needy in the silence of the dorm. The motion of his hips becomes erratic. 

And what would Erwin look like, losing that control, losing that assurance? Wound up so tight and on the verge of unravelling? Images flash in Levi's mind of the captain's face, so close to his, glowing and flushed with effort, the eyes half-lidded, mouth hanging open. 

" _Oh_ \--"

Levi presses his face into his pillow as he comes, spilling over his own hand and into his underwear. He shudders, gripping himself tight, riding the waves of his orgasm until they finally subside. 

He sleeps lightly, for a time, but when he wakes up he still feels troubled, like there's something he’s forgotten to do or say.


	6. Chapter 6

He barely sees Erwin for a week after that. All the higher-ups seem to be in the process of hashing out some complex plan, and the cadets are left to spread rumours amongst themselves. It doesn't take long for Levi to notice that his sparring match has apparently made an impression on the rest of the division. Some cadets seem to give him a little more space, at drills and in the hallways. Once or twice he's caught pairs and groups whispering to each other while glancing periodically at him, dispersing quickly when they realize he's aware of them. 

These incidents are far more disturbing, to Levi. He doesn't mind people being afraid of him, but beyond that he doesn’t like the idea of taking up space in anyone else’s imagination. 

"What have you been telling people about me?" He asks Hange one morning. Breakfast isn't for another hour, but they're used to rising with the sun so they've taken to doing laps around the camp perimeter before eating. 

"What?" Hange asks. They seem genuinely taken aback, out of breath from more than the exertion.

"People have been talking about me behind my back. Since I fought Erwin last week. Did you tell them I was fucking the captain, or something?" He speeds up his pace. 

Hange laughs. "I didn't say anything! I swear!" They run in silence for a moment, then add, "I didn't _have_ to say anything."

"What does that mean?"

"Oh come on. Are you telling me you _weren't_ making eyes at each other for that whole fight?"

"...what?"

"Levi. I'm just saying, if you're thinking of making a move… like, just go for it already."

"But…" Levi stumbles, slows to a walk for a moment. He wants to tell Hange off, to explain the myriad reasons why that would be impossible. He has plenty of excuses, and they come to mind easily, but they all seem disingenuous when he tries to say them out loud. 

Truthfully, he hasn't for a moment considered the possibility of _making a move_ , because Erwin is Erwin. He's perfect, a beacon of light, a heroic, statuesque figure among the scouts. He’s the symbol of humanity’s victory, at least in this division. Just because he’s physically close doesn’t mean he’s anywhere near within reach. 

"You're thinking about him, aren't you!" Hange yells from a few metres ahead. 

Levi runs to catch up with them. "So what," he gasps. "He's too busy anyway."

They manage a shrug, diminished by the rhythm of their running pace. "Wouldn't you rather _know_?"

*****

Erwin approaches him at breakfast, an hour later. The captain touches Levi on the shoulder with that same unexpected gentleness, and still it makes Levi jump. Hange hides their face in their teacup as Levi turns to face Erwin. 

"Morning, Levi," says the captain, apparently unfazed by Levi's skittishness. 

"Morning."

"Can I have a word with you?"

"Uh. Of course."

Erwin seems expectant. Levi realizes he means a _private_ word. He jumps up, hitting his knee on the edge of the wooden table in the process. He hears Hange snort loudly, but they turn away before he can shoot them a look. 

He follows Erwin into that familiar office, watches with new eyes as Erwin walks behind the desk, hesitates, then finally sits and gestures for Levi to do the same. 

"Levi," says Erwin, meeting his eyes. 

"Captain?"

The captain seems to jump at the word. "Actually… I've been promoted."

"...promoted?" Levi pauses to collect himself. "Then… Shadis…?"

"Shadis is fine. He… requested that I take over as commander."

"What?" While Levi was never exactly indoctrinated into scout history, he knows that no living commander has ever given up his post. "But that's…"

"It's all above-board, if that's what you're asking," says Erwin. "It's just… most of the commanders get killed before they can really consider whether they're right for the job."

Levi stares at Erwin. The captain -- the commander -- seems off-balance, himself. Levi notes how Erwin’s fingers tap expectantly on the wood table. His hair is combed back neatly, as usual, but the collar of his shirt is slightly askew. 

"So… Shadis thought that you would make a better commander?"

There's a touch of mischief in Erwin's face now. "Do you have concerns, cadet?"

"No." Levi looks away. "You're the most skilled captain in this division. You'll make a great commander."

"Thank you." Erwin's voice is soft. 

Levi should be happy for Erwin. He can't fathom why he feels like his heart is being cut out of his chest. 

"Levi." Erwin frowns, and sighs heavily. "I'm promoting you to captain. If that's something you're willing to take on, of course."

Silence settles thickly over the room. 

"Erwin…" Levi says finally. 

Erwin leans forward in his chair, hunching over his desk. "It's more responsibility, yes, but you've demonstrated that you have the ability to lead, and to think critically under pressure. You have an admirable knack for acting in situations where some men would simply freeze in terror. You'll still be working under my command, of course, and with the other captains…"

"I… how long have you been considering this? You could have at least warned me.”

"Forgive me," says Erwin. 

"Sir, I…"

Erwin relaxes, bit by bit, then smiles. "Erwin," he says. "Call me Erwin."

Levi's eyes shine. And then he has to ask, "Why me?" When Erwin starts to speak he waves a hand and says, "I don't mean whether I'm capable or not. But everyone else here chose to be here. They deserve the chance at promotion. I'm just…" _your pet project_. He doesn't say it this time.

Erwin smiles. "Do you have a better suggestion?"

"Hange's pretty sharp…"

"Hange is a gift to us all," says Erwin. "But they're also a little... chaotic. They have a habit of prioritizing their own curiosity over their safety, and the safety of others. I don’t doubt you’ve noticed."

"I've noticed," Levi concedes. 

"How's the leg?"

Levi swallows at the non-sequitur. "Um. Fine," he says. He pauses, and then shakes his head and corrects himself. "Actually... no, it still hurts, and it's never been as strong as it was before."

"Good," says Erwin, quietly again. 

"Good?"

"Pain. It's a good teacher. Every time you ride out into battle, you'll be reminded of the mistake you made the first time."

Levi thinks that Erwin suddenly looks a few years older. He wants to ask if Erwin is speaking from experience, and if so, what pain Erwin uses to remind himself of all the scouts that he’s led to their deaths, but he holds his tongue, deciding that Erwin doesn’t deserve to have that thrown back at him, right now.

"Next time you confront a titan, you'll feel that pain," says Erwin. "You'll know… to act. That's the thing about being a captain. Being a scout, for that matter. No matter what… you have to act. In battle… in love, in anything that matters, there's no time to second guess your decision. The only thing that matters is that you've made one." 

Erwin meets Levi's eyes again. Levi takes in a quick breath.

"If I say no?"

"Then it probably _will_ go to Hange. And you'll all, eventually, learn how to work as a team. But, Levi… you're my choice. Do you trust me?"

"I trust you, Erwin."

"Then, please…" Erwin trails off, but his eyes say, _I need you_ , and Levi's not certain whether they're talking about the scouts or something else entirely. 

He stands, and walks to the other side of the desk, standing before the commander. He salutes, feeling the impact of his fist against his chest. "Then I accept. Sir."

Erwin stands. He's so close, Levi can feel the heat coming off his body in the cool of the dim office. Or maybe he just imagines it. Erwin salutes slowly, pressing a fist into his chest rather than slamming it. 

"You'll do well," he says. 

"What about you?" 

"I have to go into the city for a week, to deal with some red tape. I trust you can handle keeping an eye on the squad until I return. We'll make the announcement then."

"Of course."

"Good."

_You have to act._

The heat between them feels unbearable. Levi wants to reach up and grab Erwin by the collar and pull him down and kiss him. He feels himself spiralling into the fantasies that have been running through his head late at night for the last week. He lowers his hand slowly and tries to look anywhere except at Erwin's chest; he turns away, breathing cool air. 

"Is that… everything, sir?" He asks, his eyes shut for a moment. 

"Yes. Thank you."

Levi nods and starts to leave the room. With one hand on the doorknob he turns back to find Erwin still standing there, staring at him. He opens his mouth and starts to say something, but the words disappear before he can grasp them. He turns on a heel and leaves, the image of Erwin's eyes burning in his mind. 

*****

The rest of the day passes uneventfully. Hange is mercifully caught up in tutoring some of the newer recruits, so he doesn't see them until after dinner, when he returns to his bunk to hide. He's lying looking up at the ceiling, trying not to wonder if Erwin's made it safely to the city, when he's startled by Hange climbing halfway up the bunk ladder and slamming the palm of their hand down onto his mattress. 

"Hey!"

"Hange?" Levi waits a moment for his heart rate to return to normal. "What the hell?"

"Sorry." They smile. "So… how was your talk with the captain?"

Levi bites his lip. If he tells Hange that he's been promoted he has no doubt that the entire division will know by lunchtime tomorrow. On the other hand, he doesn't want to risk them feeling betrayed if he doesn't tell them.

So he pats the mattress, gesturing for them to come and sit across from him. Once they're in the bunk he looks around and drops his voice to a low whisper. 

"He's commander, now."

"What!?"

"Shh!"

"Sorry. What? Erwin?"

"Yeah. Apparently Shadis didn't want the gig anymore, so he's giving it to Erwin."

"Shit." Hange's eyes are wide in the orange light of the dorm. "That's big. Wait, so… who's taking over as captain, then?"

Levi looks at them and cocks his head to the side, embarrassed.

"Levi. Levi? He made you captain?"

"You can't tell anybody until he gets back, okay?"

Hange's grinning from ear to ear. "And… did you…?"

"What?"

"You know." They make a lewd gesture with their hands. 

"Hange!"

"Well?"

"...no."

"Oh? Chickened out? Or is he actually pulling rank on you?"

"Hange…" Levi massages his temples. "Ugh. I guess I… I guess I chickened out." He's been trying not to think about it, but everytime he sees Erwin's face in his memory he's more and more certain that he’s made a mistake. 

Hange looks sympathetic. They look up at him, eyes bright. "What do _you_ want, Levi?"

"Huh?"

"I mean… you obviously have a thing for Erwin. You can't tell me I'm making it up. Not anymore. But like… is it just sex? Or is it… something else?"

Levi feels his heart rate quicken again. "I… I don't know? I haven't thought about it that hard."

"Well… how do you feel when you look at him?"

"I… what?"

"Do you get all hot and sweaty? Do you forget how to walk properly? Do you forget what you're thinking about because you get so distracted by some stupid detail like how nice his fucking… _nose_ looks in the sunlight?"

"Um…" Levi thinks about standing before Erwin in the office, thinks of how badly he’s wanted to touch him, for months now, if he’s being honest. Thinks of the pain in his chest that seems to open up like a void, proportional to the commander's distance from him. In his mind he's back on the sparring pitch wanting to rake his fingers through Erwin's hair and mess it up and pull his face toward his own and find out if the commander tastes as good as he smells. 

He sighs. "I want to… I want to impress him. I want to prove that I can do what he needs me to do. I… _he_ brought me here, and I didn't want to come here, but I have to admit that I'm grateful. He gave me a home, and he… he gave me a chance. At being something. It sounds lame but… I'm indebted to him."

"How very noble of you," says Hange whimsically. They're resting their cheek on one hand. "Also, yeah. Sorry to say, Levi, but you've got it _bad._ "

Levi's silent for a while. It's nice, just to sit here, with Hange. It's nice to not be alone. 

"What do I do?"

"You know already, don't you?"

Levi looks at them. He's never noticed, through the thick glasses, that their brown eyes have flecks of amber in them. _They look so warm._

"Yes," he says, closing his eyes. A moment later, he feels a hand on his, and Hange's weight shifts on the mattress. He doesn't stop it. A moment later their lips are against his, and he lets his mouth fall open, just slightly. A part of him wants to push back against them, kiss them with all the hunger he has pent up inside him, but a better part of him knows that hunger is meant for someone else; that Hange doesn’t want it, anyway.

They pull away and it's a moment before Levi opens his eyes. When he does they're smiling at him. 

"Hange, am I… am I not paying attention?"

"No," they say, still smiling. "You're fine. I just wanted to do that."

"I liked it," he says. His face darkens.

"Well so did I. So cheer up. Maybe now you'll be a little more prepared for when Erwin comes back."

"Hey," says Levi, letting himself fall back onto the pillow. "Do you think I'll make an okay captain?"

"Okay?" Hange laughs. "You'll be great."

They clap him on the shoulder as they climb back down to their own bunk. Levi lays there until lights out, and for once, sleep takes him as soon as it's dark.


	7. Chapter 7

The announcements don't come as a shock to everyone in the division but Levi's proud of Hange for at least _trying_ to hold their tongue. For a few days at least. 

The reactions from the other cadets are mostly congratulatory. Some of the newer recruits, those with weaker stomachs, seem worried -- something about the notion of a change in the command structure seems to crystallize the knowledge that this is all temporary and fragile. It reminds them that they've all got one foot in the grave.

Levi spends most of the assembly staring at Erwin, trying not to think about how his command will inevitably end. 

The day after Erwin's return, the commander calls the squad into a cramped meeting room in the main barracks. 

"Garrison called in an abnormal sighting, on the eastern outskirts of Wall Maria. We're sending in a small team for recon. Our objective is to gather information regarding the Titan's class, behaviour, appearance, and any abilities that present themselves. And then return. We are _not_ to attack it unless provoked. Questions?"

"How do they know it's abnormal?" Asks Petra. 

"Good question." Erwin launches into an explanation, wearing a smile that Levi likens to that of a proud father. Half daydreaming as he listens, he wonders what Erwin would look like, older, with children of his own. He can't imagine it. He can't really imagine any of the people in this room growing old. He supposes they'll be stuck like this, young and idealistic and full of misplaced pride and determination, living solely in the memories of all who know and will have known them. 

_No one gets out alive._ Kenny used to say that to him, sometimes as a command, but mostly as a mantra, a reminder that there are no guaranteed tomorrows. A reminder that someday, no one will remember Levi’s name. 

Levi mouths Erwin's name silently when he knows no one's watching. He may be no one, but he'll remember Erwin's name. 

Erwin Smith, the name of the man who’d already given him so many tomorrows.

*****

The meeting concludes with everyone in relatively good spirits. Erwin has a way of showing certainty where there is none; of digging confidence up from the depths of fear. 

Levi sits, pretending to examine his notes again while he waits for the rest of the squad to leave. Hange is the last out and they shoot him a knowing glance that he pretends not to see. 

He rises, the last person remaining, and prepares to turn and speak. So he's surprised when Erwin stops him first. 

"Levi, wait."

"Sir?"

"Close the door. Lock it."

Levi's heart jumps. Somewhere, there must be a regulation against this. He lets himself lean back against the secured door, watches as Erwin strides toward him, eyes heavy with purpose.

He's spent so much time imagining it that it's almost familiar when Erwin grabs him just under the arms and lifts him so his toes skim the floor, pressing him into the wall, pressing their mouths together. Levi's heart hasn't beat this fast since the first time he saw a titan. He feels his face flush, and reaches forward to clasp his fingers around Erwin's sturdy arms, feeling the strong muscles there, flexing with the effort of holding him up. 

They part. "Erwin," Levi breathes, and he sees the question on the commander's lips, answered just as quickly by the flush of Levi’s cheeks and the red wetness of his lips. The commander swings him around and sits him down on top of the meeting table as though he weighs nothing at all. He spreads Levi's knees with his hips, and tangles his hands into Levi's hair, fingers running down Levi's neck as he kisses him again, deeper this time. Levi opens his mouth receptively, meeting Erwin's tongue with his own, their breath mingling in the stale air of the meeting room. 

His fingers find their way to Erwin's collar. Erwin's not wearing his ODM harness, and the first two buttons of his shirt come undone readily. But the commander reaches up to grab Levi’s hand, stilling him, their faces still close. 

“Not here,” he says, quietly. 

Levi flushes and bites his cheek, focusing on the slight, self-flagellatory pain.

Erwin kisses him again, hard, and places a hand on Levi’s thigh. He looks at the smaller man and asks that unspeaking question once more. And once more Levi answers, guiding the commander’s hand to the place where his erection is pressing against the heavy fabric of his pants. 

Erwin pushes his hand against Levi, then drags his thumb up the outline of his shaft. Levi moans, and it's perfectly obscene, and he can't recall even being so turned on in his life. They share breath, inhaling the unspoken words from each other’s mouths, biting doubt off each other’s lips.

He can’t be close enough to the commander. Three years and counting feels like too much time to make up for. He can feel the same need reflected in Erwin’s body, the commander hardening against his thigh.

“I want you,” Erwin whispers into his mouth. Levi opens his eyes. He can nearly count the lashes on Erwin’s closed eyes. 

“Then take me,” he says.

Erwin only shakes his head and kisses him again. 

When they part, he holds his face close, and says, "Come to my room tonight. It's on the second floor. You'll be able to find it."

Levi lets out a breath so heavy and sudden that it’s almost a sob as Erwin pulls away and returns to the desk, his eyes never leaving him. 

*****

He doesn’t feel _good_ or _right_ at midnight as he creeps down the ladder of his bunk, past Hange’s peacefully sleeping form, and out the dormitory entrance, into the cool night air. He feels manic, unhinged, willing to risk it all for some goal that he can’t even clearly define. He almost laughs when he realizes that he feels exactly like he did most of the time when he was living in the city. Never quite relaxed, always looking toward the next shortage, the next disaster, with an intensity that made it impossible to enjoy anything about the present. 

The door to the main barracks is locked, but now that he’s a captain he has a key. Normally, with the shift to captaincy, he would also have been given a room in the same building, but the current structural shift happened quickly enough that no one’s found the time to move yet. Levi doesn’t mind. He’s grown accustomed to sleeping in the same room as Hange. 

Doubt begins to set in as he mounts the steps up to the second floor quarters. Had what transpired in the meeting room this afternoon really happened? Or had it been simply a feverish daydream? Absurd scenarios play maliciously in Levi's head as he creeps down the hallway, sweating. But he thinks of turning back, and he can't. He's had a taste of heaven, of what he wants, and now he’s drunk on it; now he wants more.

At the end of the hall, a door swings open. 

"Levi," whispers Erwin. He's wearing loose linen pants and nothing else, and Levi feels his heart leap into his throat.

Erwin stands aside to let him into his modest quarters, locking the door quietly behind them.

"Sir," Levi says, standing at attention. 

"Levi…" Erwin smiles, bends, and presses his lips slowly, softly, to Levi’s neck. Levi shudders. "You don't have to call rank here. We’re alone."

"But if I don't do it here…"

"You're afraid you'll let it slip in front of the other recruits?"

Levi nods, swallowing as he feels Erwin's breath on his cheek. 

"Come on. Sit."

Levi sits on the edge of Erwin's bed. The commander sits next to him, their bodies pressing together in the depression of the mattress. 

"I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable, earlier."

Levi's incredulous. "Did I _seem_ uncomfortable?"

Erwin laughs. "No. But, I know it wasn't the most opportune."

"What is it you're always saying? Something about _acting_ instead of sitting around thinking?"

Erwin kisses him chastely on the top of his head. 

"So…" Levi starts, then realizes he's out of his depth. He may not be a virgin, but he's certainly never had the opportunity to explore the finer aspects of romance. 

_Is that what this is?_

"What is this?" Asking it makes his heart drop into his stomach. He knows what it is, and the idea that Erwin might not feel the same guts him. He hates it. He hates himself for it. 

Erwin shrugs. "I like you, Levi. I have since I met you."

“I don’t seem like your type.”

Erwin laughs. “I don’t like you because you fit a type. In fact, it’s probably just the opposite. I’ve never met anyone like you.”

“I would say that’s for the best.”

Another kiss, this time on the cheek.

Levi stays silent for a while. Erwin's room is warm, and quiet, and he wishes he could stay here. Indefinitely, perhaps.

"We could die next time we’re outside the walls."

Erwin’s eyes harden almost imperceptibly. In the dim candlelight of the room they’re like gems, and Levi’s reminded of that carriage ride, the day he met Erwin for the first time. The commander says, “That's always been the case. Always will be. Even if we defeat the titans… we're only human. Fragile." Erwin pauses and then looks at Levi. "You do like making things grim, don't you?" He says it gently, with a smile.

"Things _are_ grim."

"Are they? Always?"

Levi looks up at Erwin. He wants to be close to the man -- impossibly close. He wants to be engulfed by Erwin's scent and taste and heat, and he wants to climb up onto his lap and kiss him and let Erwin fuck him into the mattress and then lick him clean. Instead he finds Erwin's hand and tangles their fingers together. 

"No."

“But?”

It takes Levi a moment to find his words. When he speaks, he feels like an insolent child, but not completely dishonest. “But… what’s the point in having something good when it’s just going to be ripped away from you, in the end?”

"Well… for one, it gives you something to fight for."

Levi looks up at the commander, frowning. He feels adrift, lost at sea; Erwin the raft to which he clings.

"This is too good."

"Why?"

"I don't… nothing's ever been good. In my life."

Erwin seems to hesitate before speaking. Then he shuts his eyes and says, "So it scares you?"

"Yes." Levi's voice is barely a whisper. 

"What does that mean to you?" 

"...what?"

"What does fear mean to you? What purpose does it serve? Does it mean you shrink back into someone else's shadow, or does it mean you go ahead, and defeat the thing you're afraid of? Does it paralyze? Or does it motivate?"

Levi laughs, suddenly. "No wonder Shadis made you commander," he says. "You're so much better at impromptu poetics."

"Oh?" Erwin grins and turns, placing a hand on Levi's thigh. "Well let me know if it's going over your head."

"You should know height-based insults can’t hurt me. I’ve heard them all." 

Erwin laughs and Levi lets himself fall back onto the mattress, comfortable in a way that feels unfamiliar. It hurts, a little, somewhere inside his chest. Erwin flops down next to him, and the weight of the commander creates a dip that forces their bodies together. Erwin's bare chest is warm even through Levi's thin shirt, and Levi wants nothing more than to peel off his own clothing and be naked against Erwin, for Erwin to be naked and warm and present against him. 

He curls into Erwin and feels the commander's strong arms wrap around him. 

"How do I defeat the thing that scares me?" He mumbles into Erwin's skin.

He feels a lump growing in his throat, glad that his position means Erwin can't see the wetness at the corners of his eyes. Kenny had always told him that no good would ever come of this world. Erwin will die, eventually, and probably nobly, sacrificing himself for some better cause, and Levi will have to carry on without him. And his human mind, fragile and addled as it is, sees the inevitable pain later, imminent and unstoppable. Yet still, somehow, he wants Erwin. He wants him more than he's ever wanted anything.

"The start," Erwin rumbles, "is to realize what you gain by defeating it."

Slowly, Levi uncurls his posture and straightens out, pulling himself forward so he can kiss Erwin, slowly and softly this time, with no concern for who might walk in on them or what the other might be thinking. He empties his mind and lets himself just exist, for a moment, feeling and tasting nothing but Erwin's mouth. 

The commander runs a hand under his shirt and then scoops him up with enviable ease and repositions Levi underneath him. He kneels over him and strips off his nightclothes; the thin shirt; the loose linen pants. Levi is hard and aching for him and when Erwin pauses to remove his own pants he can see that the commander is similarly affected. He takes a moment to appreciate the sight of the commander, naked and open, unmasked just for him.

They fall into one another, limbs and bodies tangled, moving in a soft rhythm, Levi's cock presses against Erwin's stomach while the commander sucks gently at his neck and jaw. 

Levi can feel the tip of Erwin's manhood pressing at his opening, and he's filled quite suddenly with a white-hot need that won't abate. He moans, softly, muscles tensing and flexing involuntarily, and Erwin looks at him like he's the most beautiful vision a man could ever hope to lay eyes on, and Levi feels a flush spread from his cheeks across his chest. 

They pause; Erwin questions him with those blue eyes and Levi, in his own body language, says _please_. Erwin produces a little bottle of oil from the desk and drips it over himself and over Levi, rubbing and pressing with callused hands and fingers, then finding him again ready and willing. Levi grits his teeth and tenses as Erwin enters him, slowly, pressing until he's buried up to the base of his cock inside Levi. He stills, brushing hair out of Levi's eyes and kissing Levi's stomach and grabbing Levi's ass to prop the smaller man up on his thighs. Still, he doesn't move his hips. 

"Okay?"

Levi blinks and looks up at Erwin and realizes he's trembling. He nods a quick reassurance, wanting to look away but unable to tear his eyes from the sigh that is Erwin, flushed and naked, eyes burning with desire. Levi memorizes every contour of Erwin's body, the pale blonde hairs sprouting just below his navel and at the centre of his chest, the musculature of his arms and shoulders and the way they hold Levi steady with some great ease. 

" _Please_ … Erwin… I need you."

"I'm here."

Erwin lifts Levi’s legs up and drapes his ankles over his shoulders, a landscape of skin and muscle between them, Levi’s cock dark and impossibly hard against his stomach. Levi is helpless, totally at the mercy of the commander, and for the first time in his life he doesn’t mind the feeling. He feels that whatever Erwin asks of him, he’ll do without question; whatever Erwin does to him, he’ll take willingly. 

What Erwin does to him then is to roll his hips forward, moving first in a slow, languorous rhythm and fucking Levi with a kind of loving, skilled precision; not too hard, not too fast, but giving just enough that Levi's cock is jumping and leaking and his fingers are curling, grabbing handfuls of the commander's bedsheets. 

The commander reaches forward to wrap one of his hands around Levi’s cock, pulling gently in time with the rhythm of his hips.

"Oh… Erwin, more, please," Levi whines, not caring anymore what he sounds like, and Erwin obliges, picking up speed, still holding him perfectly steady with one hand on his ass and the other around his cock, completely in control. 

"M-more…"

"Can I make you come like this?" Asks Erwin. His voice is deep and rough with arousal, and the timbre of it, so private, so intimate, almost sends Levi over the edge right then. He grits his teeth.

"Mhm. Mhmmm… _mhphh!_ "

"Look at me," Erwin says, picking up speed again, his words huffed out in breathy syllables. "Tell me."

Levi locks eyes with Erwin, letting himself be swept up in that gaze, those eyes like deep, clear water. 

"Erwin."

The commander’s hips snap back and forth, pistoning, machinelike, as his hand jerks Levi’s cock in earnest, now.

"Yes?" Erwin’s voice trembles.

"I'm-- hah! I'm gonna… come…"

"Yes. Levi, please. Show me."

Levi obliges, mostly involuntarily. He thrusts his hips upward into Erwin’s hand, cock jumping, shooting a white rain of warm semen onto his belly and his chest. Erwin palms him, working the last of his seed out of him, as he continues to fuck him, now in a punishing rhythm. Levi huffs like he's been running laps as Erwin's rhythm becomes erratic and the commander loses control at last, ejaculating with a low, guttural, animal sound, pressing himself forward and bracing himself on his arms as he fills Levi.

Erwin's forehead is against Levi’s and his hair is in Levi’s eyes and Levi lets himself relax into the smell and the heat of the body above him. He wraps weakened arms around Erwin’s strong back as the commander shudders with the last spasms of his climax. 

They stay like that, silent for a time, then Erwin pulls out suddenly and lies on his side, draping an arm over Levi’s bare chest, pressing his face into Levi’s neck. 

“Erwin?”

“Mm?”

“Are you afraid?”

Erwin takes so long to respond that Levi thinks for a moment that he’s fallen asleep. When he finally does answer, his voice is scarcely a whisper. 

“Not right now.” 

Levi might have thought the answer dismissive, but something about the way Erwin’s mouth presses into his skin when he says it, something about the way Erwin’s fingers curl into his side and pull him closer, makes Levi think that this might be the most honest thing Erwin has ever said. 

He falls asleep not long after that, and dreams of nothing, an empty void where there are no titans, and no walls. 

*****

The morning of the mission, Erwin stands next to his horse and pulls each of his blades out of the sockets and pushes them back in again.

Levi guides his horse to the front of the formation. He stares at the seven other members of his squad as he passes them. They’re full-fledged scouts. They’ve known battle, and lived to tell the tale. He looks at Hange and the tremble in his hands calms down, for a moment.

Erwin’s eyes are blue as a spring morning, warm like twin flames. The commander gives Levi a nod, and raises one blade, pointing it straight toward the heavens, cloudless and expansive above them. 

“Scouts!” He calls. 

“Today you will be tested! You’ve trained and you’ve fought, and you’ve become formidable soldiers. Today, I want you to remember that battle is not only about physical strength. To be victorious, your minds must stay sharp as your blades!” Erwin pauses to look at each of them. His eyes are locked on Levi’s when he continues. “In war, just like in love, there is nothing to do but act. Hesitation, even for a moment, means death. Even when you are afraid for your life, you must push forward. You must make the decision to press ahead. Every moment spent in indecision is its own death. Every step forward you take is its own victory!”

He turns, pushes his horse forward, and rams his sword to the sky. 

“Scouts! Today, you must dedicate your hearts!”

The sound of eight blades being pulled from their sockets cuts the air. Levi grips his, feeling the strength and the presence of his own body. Power, and fragility. Cold steel and hot blood. He blinks his eyes open as a ray of sun hits Erwin’s hair, alight with threads of gold. 

_I dedicate my heart._

_To you, Erwin._


End file.
